I had an epiphany and shared it with Stann the other day.
For so long I had felt there was another child that should come to our family. When Joshua was born, I said as much. That there was one more waiting for us. I felt it - deep in the pit of my stomach. At times I was snappily impatient to have that child join us. So for almost as long, Stann's stance has been "Let's just concentrate on the ones we have...and make sure that the kids don't feel like they're not enough." - definitely not a bad thing. And I tried, but I'd still remind him that I didn't feel our family was complete.
So imagine my surprise when I realized a few weeks ago....that...I'm good!
So I said as much to Stann the other day: "You know, I think I've come to the place and time in our life together that I can say "It's all right" if we don't have another child. I will be perfectly happy with just our two knuckleheads and know we really tried our best to follow Heavenly Father's plan for our family...and our little family of four is just fine."
Which is why it made it all the more surprising when Stann said "I'm not so sure it is Lizzy. My worst fear is going back to Heavenly Father and finding out we didn't get every member of our family. That they were sent to someone else - someone who couldn't be the kind of parents we would be to them."
{JAW DROP}
I was expecting "Great to see you've stopped thinking of ways to spend money" or "Good, I'm glad you're finally happy with what we have and not wishing for other things thinking only that can make you happy". NOT the conversation that followed - that once we get into a new home we'll be pursuing adoption again. It was unsettling!
For so long I've wanted other children - coming from a big family does that I think...or at least it did for me. Two kids are great - easy to manage (now! - lol) at least. But two kids do not accurately reflect a family dynamic! (my opinion...it's 3 or more that truly gives one a taste of that!) I have always enjoyed the happy chaos that comes of a big family. So has Stann! I've felt it's unfair to my children that they don't really have to share, problem solve....or learn the day-to-day intricacies of living with people whose beliefs, values and personalities manage to reflect your own and yet manage to be so very different all at the same time....for so long its felt almost like I'm doing them a disservice in not providing that.
And after subbing in the schools and seeing situations there and parental interaction - or rather the lack of parental interaction that occurs, I feel like my eyes have been opened a little. And its a little sad to say, but I'll admit it nonetheless - I got a little self-esteem boost from that. More often than not, Stann and I have felt helpless at times with the challenges parenthood has brought. That we are inadequate. But, we're actually good parents! (another epiphany!) No.....I take that back! We're awesome parents! I need to be better about remembering that, too.
However, that all said....if for some reason it truly doesn't work out and we have just our two sons....
I'm good. ;)
For so long I had felt there was another child that should come to our family. When Joshua was born, I said as much. That there was one more waiting for us. I felt it - deep in the pit of my stomach. At times I was snappily impatient to have that child join us. So for almost as long, Stann's stance has been "Let's just concentrate on the ones we have...and make sure that the kids don't feel like they're not enough." - definitely not a bad thing. And I tried, but I'd still remind him that I didn't feel our family was complete.
So imagine my surprise when I realized a few weeks ago....that...I'm good!
So I said as much to Stann the other day: "You know, I think I've come to the place and time in our life together that I can say "It's all right" if we don't have another child. I will be perfectly happy with just our two knuckleheads and know we really tried our best to follow Heavenly Father's plan for our family...and our little family of four is just fine."
Which is why it made it all the more surprising when Stann said "I'm not so sure it is Lizzy. My worst fear is going back to Heavenly Father and finding out we didn't get every member of our family. That they were sent to someone else - someone who couldn't be the kind of parents we would be to them."
{JAW DROP}
I was expecting "Great to see you've stopped thinking of ways to spend money" or "Good, I'm glad you're finally happy with what we have and not wishing for other things thinking only that can make you happy". NOT the conversation that followed - that once we get into a new home we'll be pursuing adoption again. It was unsettling!
For so long I've wanted other children - coming from a big family does that I think...or at least it did for me. Two kids are great - easy to manage (now! - lol) at least. But two kids do not accurately reflect a family dynamic! (my opinion...it's 3 or more that truly gives one a taste of that!) I have always enjoyed the happy chaos that comes of a big family. So has Stann! I've felt it's unfair to my children that they don't really have to share, problem solve....or learn the day-to-day intricacies of living with people whose beliefs, values and personalities manage to reflect your own and yet manage to be so very different all at the same time....for so long its felt almost like I'm doing them a disservice in not providing that.
And after subbing in the schools and seeing situations there and parental interaction - or rather the lack of parental interaction that occurs, I feel like my eyes have been opened a little. And its a little sad to say, but I'll admit it nonetheless - I got a little self-esteem boost from that. More often than not, Stann and I have felt helpless at times with the challenges parenthood has brought. That we are inadequate. But, we're actually good parents! (another epiphany!) No.....I take that back! We're awesome parents! I need to be better about remembering that, too.
However, that all said....if for some reason it truly doesn't work out and we have just our two sons....
I'm good. ;)
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