Insights into my pity party....

Okay, I've been a very naughty blogger. I've neglected my blog for a week. :( Sorry! Technically, it's not ALL my fault...I'm struggling with some bigger issues at hand....(and YES, I'll explain the picture above later on in the blog...)

HORMONES. This entire entry stems from that one word....

But dealing with the day-to-day.....Yuck! Since my hysterectomy in May, I've yet to get the "perfect balance" of hormones right. I never knew before it was so unkindly brought to my attention with my own experiences these past few months, just how much your hormones do for you! So, here's the breakdown of my latest saga...(and YES I do mean saga...!)

I've been taking Estrotest (Estrogen with extra testosterone, yes ladies you do need the testosterone...I'll spare you some of the "funny" >:( remarks that Stann's made at my expense...) ANYWAYS...

I've been taking the generic made by Prasco. Until about 2 weeks ago, things had been going pretty well. I was starting to get my "feet" underneath me again...starting to feel more energetic, and able to exercise, keep up, etc....and then FM filled my prescription with the "same" medication - a generic Estrotest, but made by Breckenrid. I took it. I didn't notice anything different really, not that I could put a finger on, until 2 days later....I began to itch.

And itch. And scratch. Then hives popped up on my arms, chest and legs...(THANKFULLY not on my face!!!) After about a week of taking the "new" pills I called the doctors office. Nothing to worry about really, just an allergic reaction to whatever "filler" Breckenrid is using in their hormones....and they're not compatible with my system. Ugh. Whatever!

So the past week has been a fun-filled game of "phone tag" with the doctors offices and my insurance provider. The doctor was ever so kind as to refill my prescription with a "no generic substitutions" - after I was on the phone for 4 hours trying to track down any pharmacy that had the generic Estrotest made by Prasco, instead of Breckenrid....and come to find out....Prasco discontinued its making of said pill. So, doctor says, "No Prob" and writes the prescription above - stating "no generics". I called FM, and the pill will be $120/bottle as opposed to my $9. (Yup, that's WITH insurance....!) But now my insurance is saying they're not going to pay for a "brand-name upgrade", because a generic is available....Nevermind that I'm allergic to said generic.

Ugh! Ugh! UGH! So...with that in mind as to what I've been dealing with, it brought about one of my all-time awfullest (is that even a word?! lol) pity parties. And you've all been invited to join in. Kind of. Okay, not really invited to "join", but really more like become privy to my thought process as I deal. LOL. Anways....my train of thought went somewhat similar to this...

"WHY has this happened to ME?!" and "I don't understand!!!" and "We can't have biological kids' and now we never get to try in this life?!!" and "Why does ________ get to have kids and I don't?" (I have to interject here that I don't actually "insert" names while I'm complaining....I tend to think more in the generic "they" category, of any woman that's got a uterus....so it's more a blanket "they"...lest you think I'm more awful than I really am...)

Which also led to....

"WHY does this have to be so hard to deal with?" and "This just completely SUCKS!"

And leads me to explain the above picture....

In Sacrament on Sunday, our High Council Speaker gave the story of some boys, at a diving competition. There were like 5 or 6 boys, and all but one were priviledged and had their own pools, that they could practice on, all but one. The one boy, came from meager circumstances, but he loved to swim and dive. The day of the competition arrived, and all of those boys who had their own pools did amazing. Barely a ripple of the water as they each plunged in from the diving board. The scores were up in the 9's and 10's. Then the boy, who didn't have a swimming pool of his own to practice in, got up and did his dive....

He attempted to do a double back-flip off of the diving board. It wasn't neat. It wasn't tidy. And he made a big splash as he entered the water. His scores were low. The other boys snickered to themselves as they looked at the scores he got....3's and 4's. They knew they'd had it made....

As the awards were handed out, to their surprise, the boy whose dive had gotten the lowest scores, took first place. The other boys were outraged! They'd kept track of the scores...He shouldn't have won at all! He was no where close to their performance...! So the boys went up to the judges to ask them why the boy had won....and the judges said...

Yes, his performance wasn't as graceful as the other boys. Yes, they had given him 3's and 4's....

But when it came time to score everyone's results, the judges had to factor in the degree of difficulty into the total score. The other boy won hands down, all because he'd attempted to go further, pursue a more difficult task than the other boys' had tried....

So it made me think about my situation a little further. Maybe my test has to be a little harder than anothers...?? Maybe how I react and deal will affect my "score" in the end?? Not quite sure...I'm still processing everything. Sometimes I can be a bit dense and have to have the lessons pounded in 5 or 6 times, over and over again.... I do need to mention that I've cut my pity-party short, after hearing that story. LOL. They're generally pretty short lived and one-sided anyways....

I do need to mention, that's one of the better perks about living with Stann. He's pretty down-to-earth, and calls 'em how he sees 'em....and after listening to my pity party, told me to "snap out of it" and if I couldn't do that, to go upstairs and take a peek into our sons' room and take a good look at the blessings we have been given and to do something about what I do have control over, and save the list of questions for when I die.

LOL.

So there it is. They're ugly, awful, plaintive things to think about. But I'm working on the plaintive part....and keeping in mind that factoring the degree of difficulty may just end up being my saving grace.... LOL.

Happy Wednesday!