Writing troubles in the sand...

Again....I have to explain.

I LOVED the saying Kelly has on her blog: "Write your troubles in the sand and carve your blessings in stone".  Its so appropriate.  For me.  Especially right now.

While we were at the beach, I wrote some of the cares/troubles I've had weighing on my mind (keeping them pretty non-specific) and I took a picture.

I had a catharthis watching my "cares" get washed away by the ocean.  :) 
(TRY IT!!! I highly recommend it..!)

My troubles were ranking (in no-specific order):

1) Home
2) Jobs
3) Money
4) Life

Again - since I treat this more like a journal than anything...I couldn't not write about the thoughts I'd had.  They're not specific as to people, places, etc...., but they were more of the spirit of my "AHA!" moments...and the gist of what I learned - and some of my frustrations I've had with each of those areas in the past five months....

Home - Though I actually don't mind living with my in-laws...(I mean, if you're gonna have to live with them...you'd want them to be amazing like mine!!)  I miss having my own home.  A place for all my things.  Everything in its place.  I miss having my familiar surroundings around me.  My favorite bowls.  My favorite knives.  You know...  Little things, that remind you of what a blessing it is to have a house...as well as serving the people in it.  I miss working in my yard, cleaning my kitchen, laundry schedules my way...just...little things.  And again...don't get me wrong. Life isn't all that bad.  Stann and I are both - amazingly enough - happy!  I live with a super-easy-going mother in law.  I just have missed having my little family in our own little home.

Jobs - This has been a tough one.  Not just for me but for Stann.  Trying to find a "new" career - when you're midway through life....its a hard one.  It's especially hard - when - Stann knew his field.  I mean - he's like a "master" of the wood floors.  Not many people can do what he did to a floor.  Repairs.  Installation.  When they wanted the best - they asked for Stann.  Until it got to the point where it was no longer feesible for him to do it - not when he'd get underbid - by half.  :(  And then only get called back to repair what he should've installed in the first place.....that one was tough to the pride.  Not only for him - but for me too.  I've had 10+ years secretary experience, and I was pretty darn good at my jobs (with the exception of ONE....that I was completely excited to be laid off from).   I can't find a job.  Not that I really want to be away from home - I love being with my boys - but at times I feel obligated to pursue it - if only so we can more quickly achieve our goal of getting back into a home again....!  It's been humbling....to say the least.  And while I have more cause to hope...and I am excited about this possible new career path for Stann...until an actual job offer comes through and we're able to start actually rebuilding our lives....I feel frustrated by the stand-still.

Money - I've learned so much with this one.  I've never been so frustrated by an inanimate object!!!  Not even when we were newlyweds - have we been in a situation like this.  It's humbling. But we've learned to rely on the Lord for our needs.  When I've put it to prayer and explained our situation (not that he's unaware...but just so he knows I've exhausted all my other avenues...) the Lord has not disappointed.  When I worried how I would get money to buy new clothes for Matt - ones he was rapidly growing out of - my nephew Gabe hit a growth spurt and our needs were met.  My kids have been troopers.  I am so grateful they are young enough to be oblivious to some of the trials.  And, at times, I've never felt closer to my Grandmother, who, having lived through the great depression - and feeling like we're in our own depression right now - I identify with more and more as my new mantra of:

"Use it up! Wear it out! Make it do - or do without!"

When before I would've been so wasteful - and not done this!  I've also come to realize and also be grateful - that during times of plenty - we were wise enough to help when we could.  We've reaped blessings from being generous - when we were able..! We've seen blessings from others - as well as our families - reciprocated in our time of need.  It's also been an eye-opener - in other aspects that others have felt we've only "reaped what we've sown".  It's been such a huge lesson in brotherly kindness, love, gratitude and humility....one I will never be able to forget.  I feel sometimes as if we've been burned, melted down and re-forged into something else.  I hope it's a good something else....

Life - This has been the toughest.  I've felt like I've been a pretty decent-enough person, all my life.  But sometimes....the Lord lets you get tested.  Mine felt like it was by fire.

I've never spent so much time on my knees as I have in the past five months...nor have I fasted as much!  I've spent so much time talking and pouring my heart out to the Lord, that again, I feel amost re-forged sometimes!!  I didn't think I could tolerate such pain - and the Lord proved me wrong.  Just the sheer culmination of problem, after problem, after problem....I've never had such a hard time.  I have started to feel more and more, like Job....and even though my problems are so pathetically small in comparison - at times, I've really truly started to see glimpses - of what our Savior must have felt for us....just the sheer weight of ME trying to carry my small problems....was overwhelming.

Though, there have been some amazing blessings that have come from these trials....an increased love for my Father in Heaven, the knowledge that HE really does love me and is mindful of us during these trials, new opportunities for growth, new possible career moves, opportunities to finish school, to prioritize, to serve and be served.....and every time I see something new....I see this...