My HOPEFULLY cathartic blog...

OKAY....I'm trying for a cathartic experience, so indulge me...I'm hoping if I write about whats been going through my mind the past couple of weeks that I might be able to to get it OFF my mind....so here goes!)



Ever have one of those days? For me, it's actually been a crappy coupla weeks. Weeks - where, you try REALLY, REALLY hard to keep something off of your mind? You try cleaning, laundry, daily prayer, playing with your kids, reading, etc., and in the back of your mind you just have these thoughts that are ALWAYS there....kind of like a toothache? Where its a constant thought that you can never fully forget? If not, you're lucky! 'Cause this is what's been going on in MY head....

(I'm pretty sure this has all be brought about after going and holding my newborn niece Katelynn....Curt & Aimee are sooo lucky to have her! We're all lucky to have her in our family!)

This is a picture of a blessing dress I bought when I was 19. I bought it, because, at the time, I had a serious boyfriend, who I had hoped I would marry.....and, also about that time, Sarah got pregnant and married Billy (later having Zachary....) So I bought it - it was originally $80.00, from Nordstrom, and I found it at a little baby boutique in Tigard, Oregon....while Sarah and I were looking at baby clothes on our lunch break (we both worked at CTI - a construction lab). It was a great deal! On sale for $20.00. I had never seen anything sooo perfect and beautiful. I figured if I didn't marry Wendell (he was the boyfriend) then Sarah could use it to bless her baby in. (Note: Sarah had a boy....we were all betting it would be a girl!) So I've kept it for 13 years now. It shows its age just a little too! It's only a little yellowed from time (hanging in the closet) but still very beautiful.

I've just kept thinking about this dress! Both Stann and I had assumed that our biggest problem when we got married would be how to NOT get pregnant.....I mean, come on! My Mom had 8 kids - it was like when she washed her jeans with my Dad's they were pregnant again! And Stann and his folks - 7 kids! It pretty much was the same thing - Ray looked at Kathie and she got pregnant! So, we figured between the two of us - all Stann would have to do is look at me funny and I'd get pregnant. Fast foward 8 years.....I've been poked, prodded, opened up and had things removed and still no biological children. Not that I mind most days! My 2 boys are my life! And to be truthful, I KNOW that there's a reason for it. I do. And most days I'm content with the cards that have been dealt to us. I have not one but, TWO beautiful, healthy boys. I have an AWESOME husband that I love dearly, and who I know loves me back! AND, even though I've yo-yo'd in weight over the years - he still likes the way I look! I REALLY know how lucky I am...!!! And yet...



There's this little part of me that wishes I could get pregnant, have the morning sickness, the stretch marks, feel the first kick, go through labor and everything NOW. It's soooo hard to be patient! I wish sometimes that we could just get pregnant, and add more kids to our family, rather than having to save every spare cent towards either adoption or medical bills - just so we can expand our family. And neither is a sure thing. With adoption you have to wait for someone to pick your family....and with the doctors....there's no guarantee. I've completely stumped my doctors! I'm 32, healthy, active, and although I have PCOS and Endometriosis, neither prohibits pregnancy in MOST women....but they can't figure me out. And its NOT Stann....he was tested, and lets just say, he strutted around for weeks afterward - because it was the highest sperm count the doctor had ever seen.



So this is just one of those days....and granted, they're rare, but they happen, when I give in to my "pity party" and think about that cute little dress....and hope someday I'll be able to have a daughter of my own, to dress her in it and pass it down to her, for her own daughters one day. Granted, if she's adopted, we'll never be able to bless her in it. (In order for her to be blessed the adoption MUST be final. And finalization typically takes 6 months to 1 year - and the size of the dress is 0-3 months). I've even thought of giving it to Aimee, for Katelynn....but hope springs eternal....and underneath it all, I still secretly HOPE to get pregnant some day....so I keep it, hanging in my closet, til the day I can take it out and dress up my little girl. (sigh). Pathetic, huh? Although.....if I DO ever get my little girl.....I'm SOOOO dressing her up in it and taking pictures of her in it everyday for the first 3 months! (Alas - Stann put his foot down when I tried to dress Josh in it when he was a newborn! Otherwise the desire might not be soooo strong!)



Anyways....I basically just wanted to show the dress. And wallow just a little bit in my misery. And HOPE that by doing so....it'll be a little longer before the thoughts come back!

(This last pic...of the cute little quilt I bought to go WITH the blessing dress.....soooo cute and feminine!)