My Catharsis. {warning: LONG and personal}

I treat this blog as a journal...mostly.  So, a couple of Sunday's ago, when they announced in Relief Society that the Personal Progress Program was now open to ALL the sisters - regardless of age or serving in the Young Women's Program or not...I was ecstatic.

For me, it was all about being able to - not really "atone" - but more like just trying to "fix" what I didn't do as a Young Woman.

I've had a few "monster" trials in my life.  Some, I've brought on myself, while others, were just because of circumstances, roll of the dice, or genetics...

And, while it's not a secret, it's not publicized either - as I am embarrassed to admit - that at the young and DUMB age of 17, I dropped out of high school.

NOT the best decision in the world, I might add.  So here's some background/perspective:

In school, I was painfully shy.  (I have to insert here, I've regressed again and become again, painfully shy...).  I never knew where I stood - if I had any friends - good friends.  I had 2 best friends in high school, and a bunch of really good acquaintances....but none of them went to my school.  I lived for days away from school.  Not that the work was hard...unfortunately...I was extremely smart, but lacked motivation and support from home with the "follow through"....  So, I tolerated school, but I lived for Seminary and Church activities.  I had a really, really good seminary teacher....Brother Dymock.  Until my Junior year - when he moved to Utah, and I was stuck with Brother Shields.

I had never NOT got along with anyone before.  I did well in Seminary...I liked the scriptures, and it came easy.  I mean, it was easy to me.  I tried to "click" with his teaching style...and I had a hard time....but I was still passing - I kept my A average.  Until the beginning of my Senior year.

LONG STORY SHORT:  I had an 'incident' there - and now - with time, I can recognize and realize....I was a punk.  I could've handled the situation better - but it was one of the rare times that my temper escaped and got the better of me. I disagreed with a point of doctrine that Brother Shields was teaching  (only because my Grandfather had given me a 40 minute lecture on it not 2 weeks earlier...).  I raised my hand and asked him about it....He told me I was wrong, my grandpa was wrong and that no where in the scriptures did it say what I was saying.

It wasn't so much that I disagreed with what he was saying....but the tone that he said it in.  Again, looking back on it 17 years later....I can see that he's only human and was doing the best with what he knew.  I just took exception....got a "bee" up my butt...FOUND the scripture that referenced exactly what my grandfather had just lectured me about....in 15 minutes.  I raised my hand and read it to Brother Shields.  And THAT'S when things got sketchy for me.

For the next month (I did keep going for a month), whenever Brother Shields would teach something - he'd then stop his teaching, laugh and ask me if I was all-right with that point of doctrine.

I stopped going after a month of that.  I started skipping more and more classes.  I was already NOT wanting to be at school anyways....so that by the time my little brother Jake, was in an accident....I was more than willing to "take one for the team".

Jake was in a serious car crash January 1994.  Not that he was in a car....he was walking home from school, when an elderly woman ran the red light on a left hand turn and hit Jake.  Her car hit him, he went under and when all was said and done: his foot was stuck under her tire.  She was shaken so badly....(she'd been waiting at the light 15 minutes (there had been a funeral procession that day) and she was running late) that a by-stander had to remove her from her car and put the car in reverse to get it off Jake's foot.  He was taken by ambulance where upon their first inspection - they said he may never walk again...they began prepping him for surgery.  His foot is fine, by the way...my grandpa gave him a priesthood blessing...and upon re-inspecting the X-Ray, they announced that his foot in fact, only had a hairline fracture, and the majority of the damage was the cosmetic "road rash" on his ankle.

He now required hourly care.  My mom was working at the time, Dad too.  Mike & LeeAndra were loooong gone from home...living in Arizona.  Road Rash has to be treated like a burn....so duties and responsibilities fell to me.  I was only too happy to pick up the errands and "day-to-day" stuff that now landed on my shoulders - if only to escape the school thing.  Changing Jake's bandages, every 2 hours...and giving his foot "baths" to scrape off the puss - and allow the skin to heal...just when you got done with that...you had to do it again!  It was time consuming and tedious.

Before I knew it...I was no longer attending school.  I dropped out 3 months before graduation. :(  Nothing my parents said or did convinced me that I should go back.  I didn't want to go back.  I stopped everything.  Socializing.  Attending church.  I dropped off the face of the planet...for about 6 months.

I didn't tell anyone. Close family knew.  Others....well, I just let them assume that I had graduated.  I was ashamed, depressed...nothing could cheer me up. I fell into a black hole...from which there seemed no escape....at least...not for a very, very, long time...

I did go back and get my diploma...later.  After my grandma had helped to enroll me in EFY - it was the last chance I would be able to go - because I would be 18.  THAT was my catalyst....

It was the 'ignition' of me getting my life back on track, and out of my self-inflicted depression.  But I had already turned 18, and I was no longer in the Young Women's program.  I realized I had lost that opportunity...even though I had already done my Laurel project (does that date me?!) but I hadn't done the paperwork. :(  That KILLED me!!!

(And it still kills me!!) So...when I was in the Young Women's program...I got a lot of my value projects done...until...well, you may have guessed it...I became a mom...and suddenly I didn't have time for it like I used to!

So you can imagine....my excitement.  My need to see this through.  No more life getting in the way.  No more, no more, no more!!

I'm just grateful that I get this opportunity.  I'm grateful I get this chance to redeem myself - in my own eyes.  It's 17 years in the making...but oh....soooo worth the wait. :)